Dating Violence

Healthy Relationships Make Us Feel...


  • Supported and respected
  • Confident and optimistic
  • Loved and cared for
  • Physically and emotionally safe
  • Happy

If this doesn't sound like your relationship, you may be experiencing an imbalance of power that already has or may lead to assaultive and coercive behavior. This may include physical, sexual, and psychological attacks as well as economic control.  

Relationships don't generally start out hurtful. The control and violence emerges over time, often after a great deal of emotional investment and commitment.  If you are just getting to know someone, trust your instincts. Take time to get to know someone. Communicate your expectations and boundaries from the beginning.

If you think you are being abused now, be assured the violence is not your fault. Partners often try to put the blame for their actions on the person they have hurt. There is no excuse for violence. Consider talking to a friend, family member or resource person who puts your safety first.

You don't have to be alone - help is available at UC Berkeley from UHS, Gender Equity, UCPD and others described below.

If you think you may be abusing your partner, take responsibility for your words and actions. Don’t blame your behavior on your partner, drugs, alcohol, stress, school or other excuses. Separate from your partner for now and seek help. Contact counseling services at UHS to talk to someone who can help you to stop the violence in your relationship.

"...violence is not is learned, and if it's learned, it can be un-learned."  Esta Soler, Violence Abuse Prevention Expert, TED talk, 2013


  • Your partner resents time you spend with others; is jealous.
  • You are afraid of your partner when s/he becomes angry.
  • Your partner has physically harmed you or threatened to hurt you, him/herself or your loved ones.
  • You are afraid to end this relationship.
  • You've done things you didn't want to do to keep your partner from getting angry.
  • Your partner disrespects your feelings or beliefs; ridicules or humiliates you or those close to you.
  • Your partner wants to know where you are every minute; texts constantly, turns up unexpectedly, and tracks you in any other way.
  • Your partner takes your money, car, valuables. 

You can't control your partner's violence, but you can choose your own actions and responses.

You do not need to have made a decision about the future of your relationship to talk to someone about it. If you are ready to start the conversation, here are some resources for you:


Confidential counselors are available at the University Health Services in Social Services, Counseling & Psychological Services and Be Well at Work Employee Assistance (for Faculty and Staff).  If you are afraid for your safety, you may seek help from your local police department who can help with restraining orders and a safety plan. Gender Equity Resource Center and UHS social workers can also help you connect with shelters, legal assistance and other care, as needed. 

University Health Services is also a counseling resource for those who may be hurting their partners. Contact one of the above units and ask for help. 


The Alameda County Family Justice Center,, 510-267-8800: one-stop center with multiple providers under one roof serving individuals and families impacted by violence.  They can provide or link people to a wide range of services.


A Safe Place                          510-536-7233

Asian Women's Shelter (SF)    415-751-0880

Emergency Shelter Program    510-786-1246

Tri-Valley Haven                     1-800-884-8119

Family Violence Law Center...

          Mobile Response Team  510-757-5123

National Domestic Violence...

          Hotline                        1-800-799-7233



University Health Services offers students after-hours emergency consultation with a counselor 
and crisis resource referrals by calling (855) 817-5667.